Homer’s Odyssey (Abridged)
In the background (Homer singing): a)/ndra moi e)/nnepe, Mou=sa, polu/tropon, o(\j ma/la polla\ pla/gxqh. . .
Book One
Scene one: the assembly of the gods: "yeah, yeah, yeah" "We
try to tell them." "What fools these mortals be."
Zeus: "They never listen."
Athena: "Whatever. Listen, Daddy-O, I’m going to Ithaca anyway, to light a fire under Telemachus." She swoops off.
Scene two: party in Ithaca.
Suitors: (Frat boys) Drinking, carrying on. Shout "CHITON, CHITON, CHITON!" (translation TOGA, TOGA, TOGA!)
Enter Telemachus and Athena from opposite directions.
Athena: "Get a move on, kid."
Telemachus: "Huh?"
Athena: "Go look for your father."
Telemachus: "OK."
Meanwhile the guitarist is playing a sad song.
Enter Penelope. She quiets the music.
Telemachus: "Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom."
Book Two
Scene: Assembly of the Ithacans
Enter citizens, dust off chairs, and sit. General noises: "No,
no, no." (grumbling)
Telemachus (rises): "Unaccustomed as you are.... (giggles) Like, what I have to say is this. You guys are like eating me out of house and home. Just leave mother and me alone."
Antinous (obnoxious suitor): "Shut up, Telemachus. Your mother has been leading us on for ten years, with her everlasting weaving and unweaving. But we’re onto her now."
Telemachus: "Go to Hades!" [Sign: He got that one right!]
Telemachus stalks off. The meeting disperses.
Telemachus leaves, wearing a traveling hat and carrying a suitcase. [Sign on suitcase: "PYLOS or Bust"] Athena (as Mentor) follows him.
Book Three
Scene: Telemachus and Athena reach Pylos.
Nestor and his son, Pisistratus, come to greet them.
Pisistratus rushes up and hands Athena a cup.
Pisistratus "Here, have a drink."
Athena: "Thanks. Here’s to you." Drinks and passes cup to Telemachus.
Feasting scene in Nestor's palace in Pylos
Telemachus: "So, Nestor, what happened to my dad?"
Nestor: "I dunno. Maybe Menelaus has some idea. Go see him and take my son along. He hasn’t been out of town since Troy."
Telemachus: "OK."
Telemachus and Pisistratus leave, each carrying a suitcase.
Book Four
Scene: Sparta
Telemachus and Pisistratus approach. Menelaus comes to greet them.
Menelaus: "Come on in. Have a bite to eat"
Pisistratus "Wow! What a spread! Have I died and gone to heaven?"
Helen enters with her knitting basket. She sits and knits and keeps looking at Telemachus’ feet.
Helen: "You remind me of Odysseus."
Telemachus: "That’s nice. He’s my dad."
Group hug. Everybody starts crying.
Helen: "Enough already." (She pours something into the wine.) "Have you guys ever tried Ecstasy?"
They all get happy. Helen and Menelaus start to bicker. "Blah, Blah, blah." [Sign: Helen and Menelaus: now and forever]
Helen: "Remember when I saved Odysseus?"
Menelaus: "You? You nearly got us all killed."
Telemachus yawns.
Telemachus: "Time for bed."
Menelaus: By the way, last I heard your father was living with a nymph on some island and I’m going to live forever (drunken "hic") with her" (points in disgust to Helen).
Exeunt omnes.
Book Five:
Odysseus (sitting by the sea): "lei/pw,
leiyw, e)/lipon, le/loipa, le/leimmai, e)lei/fqhn" [Sign]
Hermes arrives. Calypso greets him and gives him food and drink.
Hermes: "Zeus says you gotta let him go, Calypso."
Calypso: "OK, mon. If he wan' go home."
Calypso (to Odysseus): "You wan' go home, mon? Daylight come you build a banana boat."
Odysseus: "No way. I don’t trust you."
Calypso: "I swear to it, mon."
Odysseus: "OK."
Odysseus builds boat. Gets up and leaves on a surfboard. Mimes shipwreck.
Books Six - Twelve:
Scene: The land of the Phaeacians
6. Odysseus wakes up on the beach. The girls enter with their laundry which they set out to dry on the chairs. Then they play ball. The ball lands near Odysseus and Nausicaa runs to get it.
Nausicaa "Ooh, a naked man."
Odysseus covers himself with a branch.
Odysseus: "Hello, princess. Pardon my appearance. I’ve been shipwrecked."
Nausicaa "Come to town and meet my folks. Here’s something to put on." (giggles)
They go off to town.
7. Scene: At the palace
In mime: Alcinous and Arete welcome Odysseus. They give him food, drink, and a place to sleep.
8. Scene: Festival of the Phaeacians. Games, songs, Odysseus wins at frisbee. Applause. They give a wreath to Odysseus.
Demodocus sings "The Trojan Horse."
Odysseus covers his head and weeps.
Alcinous: "So, what’s your story."
9. Odysseus: "I’m Odysseus. This is my story.
We sailed from Troy after sacking the city. First stop: the Cicones. We sacked their city. We only lost six marines from each ship.
Then we got to the land of the Lotus-eaters. It’s the Amsterdam of the Mediterranean. Nobody wanted to leave.
So we sail on to the land of the Cyclops. He ate my marines. What could we do? We get him drunk, blind him, and steal his stuff. That’s where I got the nickname "Nobody." Long story that one.
Next stop Aeolus, master of the winds, sweet guy. He gives me a sack. Who knew? He had tied up all the winds except the west wind. You can guess what happened. My guys open it up all hell breaks loose.
You ever hear of the Laestrygonians? Not a nice place to visit. They skewered my men and ate them. We lost all the ships but one-- mine, thank the gods.
Finally we reach Circe’s island. What a woman. She turns men into pigs–an easy job, but somebody has to do it. I stayed with her a year. And then she sends me to Hades.
All these ghosts come up to me crying for blood. I met that old spoilsport Tiresias. What a dreary place–just ghastly. The worst was Agamemnon, still holding a grudge and he has turned into a real misogynist. Meeting Achilles was a bummer too; he’s a changed man.
The rest of the trip was one disaster after another. First the Sirens: I could have gone for them, beautiful voices. [Pause for Sirens' Song] Then Scylla and Charybdis, the island of the Sun where we nearly starved to death, you know, the usual epic calamities, everything but a plague of locusts. Finally all my men were lost and here I am."
Alcinous: "So, you want to marry my daughter?"
Odysseus: "No, I just want to go home. But I have a son who’d be perfect for her."
Alcinous: "OK."
The Phaeaceans escort Odysseus down to the sea; he falls asleep; they mime rowing and put him ashore.
Books Thirteen to Twenty-four
Odysseus reaches Ithaca. He wakes up, swats at mosquitoes.
Odysseus: "What god-forsaken hell-hole have I landed in now?"
Athena: "You’re home. This is Ithaca. Here, put this on. [gives him a disguise] And go visit your pigs."
Odysseus sets out to the farm.
Odysseus: "Sui, sui, sui."
Enter Telemachus. Odysseus takes off the disguise for his son.
Telemachus "Hello, fadda."
Telemachus goes back to town. Enter Penelope.
Telemachus "Hello, mudda." They embrace.
Odysseus goes to town. On the way his old dog greets him, wags his tail, and keels over dead.
Odysseus in the palace. The suitors are carrying on.
Odysseus begs from the suitors; they twit him and throw things at him. Wild party scene. Suitors: "CHITON, CHITON, CHITON."
Penelope brings the bow of Odysseus.
Penelope: "I can’t take any more. This is my husband’s bow. If any of you guys can pick it up and shoot a bull’s-eye, he’ll be my next husband."
All the suitors line up but cannot even pick up the bow. Odysseus picks it up, twangs it, and shoots all the suitors who fall over dead. Odysseus takes off his disguise.
Penelope: "Is it really you?"
Odysseus: "Yes."
Penelope: "Nice to have you back."
Odysseus: "Nice to be back."
Cast of Characters in order of appearance:
Zeus, father of gods and men & women (1)
Athena, his daughter (1, 2, 3, 13)
Telemachus, son of Penelope and Odysseus (1, 2, 3, 4, 13+)
Penelope, mother of Telemachus, wife of Odysseus (1, 13+)
Antinous, obnoxious suitor (one of many) of Penelope (2)
Pisistratus, son of Nestor, Trojan War veteran (3, 4)
Nestor, king of Pylos, Trojan War veteran (3)
Helen, Queen of Sparta, wife of Menelaus (4)
Menelaus, King of Sparta, husband of Menelaus (4)
Odysseus, King of Ithaca, T.W. veteran, wanderer, liar (5-13+)
Hermes, messenger of the gods (5)
Calypso, sea nymph; companion of Odysseus for the last 9 years (5)
Nausicaa, princess, daughter of Arete and Alcinous (6)
Alcinous, King of the Phaeaceans (7, 8, 12)
Arete, Queen of the Phaeaceans (7)
Argus, Odysseus’ faithful dog (13)
SUITORS (1, 2, 13+)
PHAEACEANS (7-12)
Singer SONY (1, 8)