ARISTOPHANES, LYSISTRATA                   

Translated, adapted, and abridged, but not bowdlerized 

by C. A. E. Luschnig.  Click here to return to my homepage 

Since theatre is a collaborative process, please feel free to adapt anything to your own style.  Please feel free to use this translation for readings in the Lysistrata Peace Project.

This translation is dedicated to my husband, Lance, who is already against the war.  It is part of the LYSISTRATA PEACE PROJECT

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY

LYSISTRATA (an Athenian matron, leader of the cause)
CALONIKE (her neighbor)
MYRRHINE (a local woman, perhaps from Anagyrous/Garlicville)
LAMPITO a Spartan lady (southern accent)
A BOIOTIAN WOMAN (has to wear a skirt) 
A CORINTHIAN WOMAN (May also play woman 1 or woman 2)
A SCYTHIAN ARCHERESS (police woman)
MAGISTRATE 
ONE OR MORE SCYTHIAN THUGS (POLICE)
AN OLDER MAN = CHORUS of ELDERS
AN OLDER WOMAN + Chorus of ELDERS 
TWO YOUNG WOMEN
CINESIAS (Myrrhine’s husband) / ATHENIAN / ENVOY
HERALD OF THE SPARTANS / ENVOY OF THE SPARTANS
DEUS EX MACHINA with THE GODDESS RECONCILIATION

Time: 411 B.C.E.

Scene: (1) in front of Lysistrata’s house; (2) in front of the gates to the Acropolis.

(1) A STREET IN ATHENS (overhead of stage set)

LYSISTRATA (waiting at her door, looking up and down the street)

Where can they be?! If they had been invited to a Bacchanalia or a Saturnalia or a Genitalia, you’d have to push your way through the chanting mobs. Now there’s not a woman in sight. Oh,  here comes my neighbor Calonike. Hey there, Calonike

CALONIKE

Hey, Lysistrata. Now what’s eating you? Don’t frown, dear. You’ll get wrinkles.

LYSISTRATA

Aw, Calonike, I’m just so mad, and ashamed of our women. Men already think we are useless and up to no good...

CALONIKE

And by God they’re right...

LYSISTRATA

They were asked to meet here to consider matters of the utmost importance. And what do they do? They’re still in bed.

CALONIKE

They’ll come, honey; You know how hard it is for women to get out of the house. Either you’re bending over for your husband or waking up the slaves or putting down the baby, or washing it, or feeding it.

LYSISTRATA

But nothing is as important as this.

CALONIKE

What is it Lysistrata? Why did you call us all here? Is it something big?

LYSISTRATA

Big, yes. It’s  huge.

CALONIKE (showing a lascivious interest)

And is it thick too?

LYSISTRATA

Yes, very thick.

CALONIKE

And nobody is here!

LYSISTRATA (frustrated)

It’s not what YOU think. Then everybody would be here. No, it’s something I’ve lain awake worrying about night after night.

CALONIKE (still on the subject of bedroom adventures)

It must be something pretty fine if you have to worry it so much.

LYSISTRATA

So fine that the survival of Greece is in our hands.

CALONIKE

In the women’s hands. Then it hangs by a thread.

LYSISTRATA

Our city’s affairs depend or us or it’s the end of the Spartans . . .

CALONIKE

That’s a great idea!

LYSISTRATA

and the extermination of the Boiotians. . .

CALONIKE

Oh no, not all. Please save those succulent Boiotian eels.

LYSISTRATA

 I’d never say such a thing about Athens, but you get my drift. Still, if we all come together now, the Boiotians and the Spartans and the Athenians too, united we will save Greece!

CALONIKE

But how will women accomplish anything so sensible and heroic. We just stay inside, trying on our gowns, making up our faces, flouncing around in sexy negligees and harem slippers.

LYSISTRATA

Yes, and that is exactly my point. Our survival lies in these saffron gowns and perfumes, and slippers, and lipstick, and see-through dresses.

CALONIKE

How in the world?

LYSISTRATA

Not a man will raise his spear against his enemy. . .

CALONIKE

I’m off to get some saffron dye.

LYSISTRATA

or pick up his shield

CALONIKE

I’ll put on my best dress.

LYSISTRATA

...or draw his sword.

CALONIKE

I’ll get myself some new slippers.

LYSISTRATA

Then shouldn’t the women be here?

CALONIKE

By God they should have sprouted wings and flown here an hour ago.

LYSISTRATA

My dear Calonike, you’ll see. That’s  the Athenian way:  we do everything after it’s too late. But nobody from the coast, nobody from Salamis.

CALONIKE

Well, I’m sure they were at it before daylight.

LYSISTRATA

I counted on the Acharnian women being the first to arrive. Nobody is here.

CALONIKE

Mrs. Theagenes will be here, once she has hoisted a few. Oh, look. Here come some women, and more are behind them. Whew! Where are they from?

LYSISTRATA

They must be from Garlicville.

CALONIKE

Yes, it smells like all the garlic in the world is coming our way.

(MYRRHINE enters)

MYRRHINE

Are we late, Lysistrata? Oh, come on. Don’t give us the silent treatment.

LYSISTRATA

I’m disappointed with you, Myrrhine, being late for something so urgent.

MYRRHINE

I couldn’t find my girdle in the dark. But we are here now, so tell us what’s up.

LYSISTRATA

No, let’s wait a bit for the Boiotians and Spartans to get here.

MYRRHINE

That’s a good idea. Look, here comes Lampito.

( Lampito enters with two others, one from Boeotia and one from Corinth.)

LYSISTRATA

Lampito, my dear Spartan friend, hello. You look great. I wish I had your complexion. Have you been working out? You could strangle a bull.

LAMPITO

Yes, I do believe I could. I do my exercises religiously, and practice my belly-dancing.

CALONIKE (peeking into LAMPITO'S robe/blouse)

And what gorgeous breasts!

LAMPITO

Careful, honey. I’m not a prize heifer.

LYSISTRATA

And this young woman, where is she from?

LAMPITO

She is our representative from Boeotia.

MYRRHINE

Boeotia has such nice bushes.

CALONIKE (peeking under her dress)

I’ll say, and hers is nicely weeded too.

LYSISTRATA (pointing to the Corinthian)

And who is this?

LAMPITO

This is a real lady. She comes from Corinth.

CALONIKE (checking her out fore and aft)

Oh, a lady. That’s obvious. She certainly is well-endowed.

LAMPITO

Who is it that’s mustered all us ladies together here.

LYSISTRATA

I have.

LAMPITO

Well do tell us what you want us for.

CALONIKE

Yes, please tell us! What is it that’s so urgent.

LYSISTRATA

I’d tell you. But first I need you to answer one teensy little question.

CALONIKE

Whatever you desire.

LYSISTRATA

Don’t you miss your husbands at the front? Don’t your children miss their daddies? I’ll bet not one of you has a man around the house.

CALONIKE

You’re right about that, mine has been gone the last five months. He’s in Thrace guarding his general.

MYRRHINE

Mine’s been in Pylos for seven whole months.

LAMPITO

If my man ever does come home, he gets on his gear and is gone again like a shot.

LYSISTRATA

And there’s not even a whiff of a lover left. Ever since the Milesians deserted us not so much as a measly five-inch dildo is available to provide us with some small comfort. Now tell me, if I come up with a scheme to stop the war and bring our guys back home, would you go along with me?

CALONIKE

By God, I will. Even if I have to pawn this dress [aside: and drink up the profits the same day]

MYRRHINE

Me too! I’d even fillet myself like a flounder and give half to you .

LAMPITO

Y’all can count on me. To see peace I’d climb to the top of Mt. Taygetus.

LYSISTRATA

Then I’ll tell you everything. No need to keep it secret. We women, if we are going to force the men to come to terms, we will have to give up...(pauses)

CALONIKE (interrupts)

Give up what? Tell us.

LYSISTRATA

Will you do it then?

MYRRHINE

We will. Even if it’s the death of us.

LYSISTRATA

All right then, what we have to give up is SEX.

(The begin to withdraw in horror)

Wait. Why are you backing off? Where are you going? Why are you pursing your lips and shaking your heads? (to one) Look you’re white as a sheet. (to another) Are those tears I see? Will you do it? Answer me yes or no.

CALONIKE

I couldn’t do it, let the war go on.

MYRRHINE

Me neither; let the war go on.

LYSISTRATA (to MYRRHINE)

How can you say that, Miss Flounder? A minute ago you were ready to fillet yourself  for the cause.

CALONIKE

But...but anything you want. I’ll walk over burning coals, give up anything, but not SEX.  Lysistrata, there’s nothing like it.

LYSISTRATA (to MYRRHINE)

And what do you have to say?

MYRRHINE

I’m with them. I would rather walk on coals.

LYSISTRATA

Totally buggered, that’s what we women are. No wonder they write tragedies about us. We’re nothing but bed and babies. But, my dear Spartan friend, if you are with me maybe we can still save the cause. Can’t I count on your support?

LAMPITO

It’s awful hard for a woman to sleep alone without her man. Still we gotta have peace.

LYSISTRATA

You’re the best! You are the only WOMAN here.

CALONIKE

But, God help us, if we do give up ... what you said, will it really bring peace?

LYSISTRATA

Of course it will! All we have to do is wait at home wearing something comfortable, make it see-through and red! Be sure you’re well-plucked. We greet our guys. Instant erection. (raises phallus on a stick) Then we just say NO! There’ll be peace in no time.

LAMPITO

Ooh yeah, just like when Menelaus got a peek at Helen’s boobs, he put up his sword.

CALONIKE

But what if they just pack up and leave us?

LYSISTRATA

Then, as the saying goes, it will be hands on work for us.

CALONIKE

As the saying goes you’re piling it on with a trowel. But what if they drag us kicking and screaming into the bedroom?

LYSISTRATA

Grab the door and don’t let go.

CALONIKE

But what if they hit us?

LYSISTRATA

Then you have to give in. But lie there like a rock. There’s no pleasure when they have to try so hard. And there are other ways to hurt them. They’ll give up soon enough. A husband can’t get satisfaction unless his wife is helping.

CALONIKE

Okay, if you are so sure about it, sign us up.

LAMPITO

I do declare that we Spartans are peace-loving and will be able to convince our boys to make an honest to goodness truce; but what about you all? You Athenians got the war fever.  We are for peace, but not the PAX ATHENIANA.

LYSISTRATA

Not to worry. We will hold up our end.

LAMPITO

Not as long as you all have your battleships and your goddess has a bottomless bank account.

LYSISTRATA

We’re way ahead of you. That little problem is under control. Today we will take over the Acropolis. Right now there’s a ladies auxiliary sit-in while we are planning our strategy. Everybody thinks the old gals have gone up there to pray, but their real job is to seize the Treasury.

LAMPITO

Great plan! I can smell the sweet scent of victory.

LYSISTRATA

Quick, Lampito. We must swear an unbreakable oath.

LAMPITO

Lead on and we’ll follow.

LYSISTRATA

Right on! We need our woman in uniform. (Scythian woman comes on with a shield) Snap to it! (to the Scythian)

Put the shield on the ground (the woman puts it body side down), turn it the other way... Hand me the bull’s testicles.

CALONIKE

Lysistrata, what oath are you going to have us swear?

LYSISTRATA

You know, the one from Aeschylus where they sacrifice a sheep and let the blood flow into a shield.

CALONIKE

You can’t take an oath for peace over a shield, Lysistrata.

LYSISTRATA

What do you think it should be?  (Scythian removes shield.)

CALONIKE

How about we find a white horse and sacrifice it and then swear by its testicles.

LYSISTRATA

Where’ll we find a white horse?

CALONIKE

Oh yeah. So what oath will we take?

LYSISTRATA

I’ve got it! We’ll put a large wine bowl on the ground and sacrifice a jug of Thasian red and swear over the bowl not to add any water.

LAMPITO

Wooeee. I can’t tell you all how much I like this oath

LYSISTRATA

Someone bring out the bowl and jug.  (Scythian brings bowl and jug; hands bowl to Lysistrata and jug to Myrrhine)

MYRRHINE

Ooh, girls! Look at the size of that bowl.

CALONIKE

That’s the sort of bowl anybody would like to get her hands on. (she  goes for it)

LYSISTRATA

Ahem! Put the bowl on the ground and bring me the victim. (Myrrhine hands her the jug or wineskin.)  Mighty goddess, Persuasion, and wine bowl, symbol of joy, receive these sacrifices and turn your heart in kindness toward women.

CALONIKE (as LYSISTRATA pours the wine into the bowl)

This blood has a good, strong color and look how nicely it flows.

LAMPITO

By Castor it has a splendid bouquet.

MYRRHINE

Ooh please, let me swear first!

CALONIKE

No, by the goddess, not unless we draw straws.

LYSISTRATA

Lampito, and all you others put your hands on the bowl. And you, Calonike, for all the rest repeat after me. Then you will all solemnly swear to the same terms.

I WILL HAVE NO LOVER OR HUSBAND ....

CALONIKE (reluctantly)

I WILL HAVE NO LOVER OR HUSBAND ....

LYSISTRATA

NOT EVEN HIS BONER WILL WIN ME OVER (pause) Come on, say it!

CALONIKE (shaking, nearly fainting)

NOT EVEN HIS BONER WILL WIN ME OVER Oh! Lysistrata, My knees are shaking!

LYSISTRATA (not feeling her pain)

I WILL STAY AT HOME WITHOUT MY BULL

CALONIKE

I WILL STAY AT HOME WITHOUT MY BULL

LYSISTRATA

DRESSED TO THE NINES AND ALLURING

CALONIKE

DRESSED TO THE NINES AND ALLURING

LYSISTRATA

SO MY HUSBAND WILL BURN WITH DESIRE

CALONIKE

SO MY HUSBAND WILL BURN WITH DESIRE

LYSISTRATA

I’LL NEVER FREELY GIVE IN TO HIM

CALONIKE

I’LL NEVER FREELY GIVE IN TO HIM

LYSISTRATA

AND IF HE TRIES TO TAKE ME BY FORCE

CALONIKE (warming up a bit)

AND IF HE TRIES TO TAKE ME BY FORCE

LYSISTRATA

I’LL LIE THERE STILL AND COLD AS A CORPSE

CALONIKE

I’LL LIE THERE STILL AND COLD AS A CORPSE

LYSISTRATA

I WILL NOT POINT MY TOES TO THE CEILING

CALONIKE

I WILL NOT POINT MY TOES TO THE CEILING

LYSISTRATA

NOR WILL I CROUCH LIKE A DAMASCENE LIONESS

CALONIKE

NOR WILL I CROUCH LIKE A DAMN OBSCENE LIONESS

LYSISTRATA

IF I KEEP THIS OATH I MAY DRINK THIS WINE

CALONIKE (more enthusiastically)

IF I KEEP THIS OATH I MAY DRINK THIS WINE

LYSISTRATA

IF I BREAK MY OATH MY BOWL WILL BE FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT WATER.

CALONIKE

IF I BREAK MY OATH MY BOWL WILL BE FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT WATER.

LYSISTRATA

Do you one and all take this oath?

ALL

In the name of Zeus, we do.

LYSISTRATA

Then I will proceed with the rituals. (She takes a swig)

CALONIKE (reaching for the bowl)

Just your share, my dear, we all need to bind ourselves in friendship.

(They pass the cup around; everyone takes a big swig. A loud noise offstage.)  BLAST  (pop a few balloons) Overhead:   Acropolis exploding, change quickly to Acropolis.

LAMPITO

What was that noise?

LYSISTRATA

That's  what I was just telling you. The women have taken over the Acropolis. [All shout, hurray, power to the women] Now, Lampito, you go back home and organize your women. Let your companions stay with us, as a guaranty. We will go up to the Acropolis and join the others to keep it safe under our aegis.

They (Lysistrata, Calonike, Myrrhine, silent women) walk the switch backs as if climbing up to the Acropolis.  Acropolis on screen.

(2) THE SCENE IS NOW THE ACROPOLIS: (Decorated with owls.) [Overhead: Propylea]

CALONIKE

Don’t you think the men will send reinforcements to attack us?

LYSISTRATA (gesturing toward owls)

I don’t give a hoot. Let them come after us with threats and fire. These gates will be opened only on our terms. (exits into temple)

CALONIKE

You’re right. (sarcastically) Otherwise we’ll lose our reputation for courage and valor.

They enter the temple. [Behind the curtain]

The OLD MAN/MEN (slowly enters/enter, carrying branches and pots of fire, huffing and puffing.)

OLD MAN Who’d have thunk it? Our wives have taken over our city. They won’t get away with it. Let’s light a branch and launch it at the gate.

(He fusses over the firepot. The CHORUS OF WOMEN, represented by one woman, now enters, carrying a bucket of water.)

OLD WOMAN

I think I smell something burning.

(Fight scene: in the following scene there is much yelling, insulting, threatening, throwing of water.)

OLD MAN

You god-forsaken hag, what is that water for?

OLD WOMAN

You walking corpse have you brought that fire to cremate yourself?

OLD MAN

Not myself. The funeral pyre is for you and your girlfriends.

OLD WOMAN

Then I’ll just snuff your fire out.

OLD MAN

You? Snuff out my fire?

OLD WOMAN

Easier done than said!

OLD MAN

Maybe I’ll just grill you in my fire.

OLD WOMAN

If I had any soap I’d give you a bath.

OLD MAN

YOU give ME a bath? You smell like a rotting fish.

OLD WOMAN

Yes I will. I’ll give you your wedding bath.

OLD MAN (turning to his followers or to the audience)

Listen to the tongue on her!

OLD WOMAN

I’m as free to speak as you are.

OLD MAN

I’ll make you shut your loud mouth.

OLD WOMAN

Oh yeah? You’re not sitting on the jury now.

OLD MAN (to his torch)

Set her hair on fire!

OLD WOMAN (to her bucket)

It’s your turn, mighty river god.

(The woman pitches the water over the old man/men.)

OLD MAN

ow ow ow oh Gods!

OLD WOMAN

Is it warm enough for you?

OLD MAN

Warm you say? Stop it. What are you doing?

OLD WOMAN

I’m watering you so you’ll come into bloom.

OLD MAN

I’m already shivering like a dried old leaf.

OLD WOMAN

You have fire. Poach yourself.

[The two choruses withdraw]

(A MAGISTRATE enters, with a  Scythian policeman.)

MAGISTRATE

Set the crowbars under the locks and force them open. I’m with you.

LYSISTRATA (opening the gate and walking out)

No need to break down the doors. Here I am. We don’t need bolts or battering rams. What we need is some common sense.

MAGISTRATE (ignoring her)

Cuff ’em, boys (man), and bring ’em in.

(The Scythian advances reluctantly.)

LYSISTRATA (calls out the women.  The women enter from behind the screen, with their protest signs NO WAR FOR OLIVE OIL, DEMOKRATIA/POWER TO THE PEOPLE, NO MONEY FOR WAR, etc.)

Forward march, women, loyal allies, market gardeners, greengrocers, garlic sellers, bread vendors, barmaids, grab them, smack them, beat them, insult and ridicule them. [The women beat off the Magistrate and his thug/s]

You can stop now, we’ve won, no need to strip the bodies.

MAGISTRATE (picks himself up and addresses the women)

All I ask is one simple explanation: why have you locked us out of our city hall.

LYSISTRATA

We plan to cut off your funds  so you won’t be able to go to war.

MAGISTRATE

Is it money that makes war?

LYSISTRATA

War and all the other messes men get themselves into. They buy their way into office just so they can steal. But we are not going to let you get your hands on one more Euro.  

MAGISTRATE

What are you going to do?

LYSISTRATA

Glad you asked. We are going to run the treasury ourselves.

MAGISTRATE

You?

LYSISTRATA

Why not? We keep the household budget.

MAGISTRATE

That’s not the same thing.

LYSISTRATA

What’s that supposed to mean?

MAGISTRATE

We need to pay for the war.

LYSISTRATA

That will be our first order of business: NO MORE WAR! [Everybody, including the audience joins in]

MAGISTRATE

What about homeland security?

LYSISTRATA

We will take charge of it.

MAGISTRATE

You?

LYSISTRATA

Yes, the very same!

MAGISTRATE

Since when is war and peace any business of yours?

LYSISTRATA

Let me explain.

MAGISTRATE

Spit it out. Or else....(he threatens the women who scare him off)

LYSISTRATA 

Listen to me and try to control yourself.

MAGISTRATE (in impotent rage)

I can’t do it. [Women threaten him. He simmers down] Go on then.

LYSISTRATA

Gladly. All these years of the war you debated, you deliberated, you decided all your urgent business, while we had to keep our mouths shut. If we so much as asked "How did it go in the Assembly, sweetheart? Any chance of peace?" You’d say "what business is it of yours?" We’d hold our tongues until we’d hear that you had approved an even more idiotic and dangerous strategy, and venture to ask "Have you lost your mind, dear?" You’d go, "Shut up and stick to your weaving. War is man’s work." Just like Hector. You say we don’t carry the same burden you do. We’ve given our sons. We’ve grown old waiting for our husbands. Now there’s not a man left in Athens, so it’s our turn. We have made common cause to bring peace and prosperity out of your disasters. Listen to us and we will fix it all up. We’ll even balance the budget.

MAGISTRATE

And how, do you expect to restore peace and order all over Greece?

LYSISTRATA

The same way we work our wool: untangle it, clean it, sort it, card it, wind it, weave it.  Politics is exactly like weaving!

MAGISTRATE

What a disgrace: weaving up a foreign policy!

He stomps off in a huff. Lysistrata and the women go into the temple. ELDER WOMAN COMES OUT.

SHE READS OUT MANIFESTO. Cast members distribute it to the audience.

Whereas:
We are the women of Athens;
The city gave us life and brought us up;
We made the cakes for Athena’s temple;
We were little bears for Artemis in Brauron;
We were basket carriers in the Panathenaia;
We pay our taxes and contribute to the common good;
We supply the city with sons;

Whereas:
You men contribute nothing;
You have wasted our blood and treasure;
You have squandered the surplus your predecessors amassed, the ancient treasure from the Persian Wars though you swore to hand on the homeland not less, but bigger and better;
Because of you we risk destruction and defeat;
And all you can do is grumble;

And whereas:
We have the best advice for the city;

Therefore:
We pledge ourselves to save the homeland and cure all its woes.

Lysistrata comes back in distress.

ELDER WOMAN

Here’s Lysistrata, leader of our cause. (to Lysistrata) You look awful, what’s wrong?

LYSISTRATA

It’s the women. They are cracking up. I’m so discouraged.

WOMAN

Do tell.

LYSISTRATA

The truth is too  grim.

ELDER WOMAN

But what happened? We’re  on your side, you can tell us.

LYSISTRATA

I’m ashamed to say it.

ELDER WOMAN

Don’t hide something that concerns us all.

LYSISTRATA

Everybody in there is dying to get laid! Is that clear enough?

ELDER WOMAN

Oh! Zeus, oh! Zeus!

LYSISTRATA

What can he do? Even I can’t restrain them. They are all deserting.

Look! there goes one now! What’s the hurry, you?

FIRST WOMAN (sneaks out)

I need to get home. My wool is getting moth-eaten.

LYSISTRATA

Moth-eaten, my foot. Go back inside

FIRST WOMAN

I’ll come right back, cross my heart, I just have to spread it out on the bed.

LYSISTRATA

Oh no, you won’t spread out anything on the bed, young lady. Inside!  (She slinks back behind the screen.)

SECOND WOMAN (comes staggering out, holding her belly)

Oh! Ilithyia, goddess of birth. Hold off my labor until I can get away from holy ground.

LYSISTRATA

What’s this nonsense?

SECOND WOMAN

I’m giving birth, right now!

LYSISTRATA

Yesterday you weren’t even pregnant.

SECOND WOMAN

I am today. Let me go home to send for the midwife. Please, Lysistrata.

LYSISTRATA (Feels her belly)

Why is this so hard?

SECOND WOMAN

It’s a boy.

LYSISTRATA

No way. It feels like a soup pot. I’ll just have a look. Hah! If it isn’t Athene’s sacred helmet. And you said you were in labor.

SECOND WOMAN

I am, God help me!

LYSISTRATA

Explain the helmet, then.

SECOND WOMAN

If it comes while I’m on the Acropolis I was going to put it in this, like the doves do.

LYSISTRATA

Excuses, excuses. You’re not going anywhere.

SECOND WOMAN

Oh please. I can’t get any sleep here. I’ve seen the snake that guards the citadel. And those horrible owls keep me awake all night long with their infernal hooting!

LYSISTRATA

Stop all this nonsense. You want your husband. Don’t you suppose he wants you too. I guarantee he's UP all night. Just hold out a little longer, my dear. The oracle promises us victory.

Be silent and listen:

"When the swallows, in flight from the hoopoes, all gather together and abstain from acts of love, then all troubles will be over and Zeus who thunders on high, will put the topmost on the bottom [women giggle, Lysistrata goes on unperturbed] but if the swallows fall into strife and fly from their sanctuary, then no bird in the world will be called more buggered!"

[She looks up and cries in distress:]

Oh no! Look over there! Hurry!  [other women come outside]

ELDER WOMAN

What is it? Why sound the alarm?

LYSISTRATA

A man. I see a man wild with lust.  (Cinesias comes into view, wearing a large phallus. More women come out to see.)

ELDER WOMAN

Where is he? Who is he?

LYSISTRATA

There. By Demeter’s Temple.

ELDER WOMAN

Oh yes, I see him, but who can he be?

LYSISTRATA

Look him over. Anyone recognize him?

MYRRHINE (happily)

Oh, yes. I do. It’s Cinesias, my husband. (Cinesias is a suggestive name, like Peter, Randy, Dick)

LYSISTRATA

You know your work. Torture him, tempt him, tease him, do everything except what we swore on the wine bowl not to do.

MYRRHINE

Don’t worry. I’ll do it!

LYSISTRATA

Everybody inside. I’ll warm him up..

(The others go inside. CINESIAS enters, with a large padded phallus or long balloon.)

CINESIAS

Oh! I’m racked with torment. Aaah, another spasm.

LYSISTRATA

Who are you and how did you penetrate our security system?

CINESIAS

Only me.

LYSISTRATA

A man?

CINESIAS

Can’t you tell?

LYSISTRATA

Get out at once.

CINESIAS

But who are you to drive me off?

LYSISTRATA

The guard on duty.

CINESIAS

Please! In the name of the gods. Call Myrrhine.

LYSISTRATA

You want me to call Myrrhine? Who are you?

CINESIAS

Her husband, Cinesias, son of Paeon.

LYSISTRATA

Well, hello, dear friend. We’ve all heard so much about you from Myrrhine. You’re always on her lips. If she eats an egg or an apple she always says "Here’s to my Cinesias."

CINESIAS

Dear Gods! Please...

LYSISTRATA

Oh yes, and if ever we happen to be having a conversation about men, your wife blurts out "there’s nothing like my Cinesias."

CINESIAS

Please, I’m begging you, go get her.

LYSISTRATA

And what’s in it for me?

CINESIAS

I’ll give you anything I have. (Points to the cause of his distress) This is all I have.

LYSISTRATA

Okay. I’ll get her to come down for you.

(She enters the Acropolis.)

CINESIAS

Please hurry! I have no joy in life since she left home. It pains me to go into the empty house. I sit down to dinner, but without her, it’s all a tasteless mess. It’s just so hard on me and getting harder.

MYRRHINE (coming out to LYSISTRATA, over her shoulder)

I love him, yes I do. But he refuses to be loved. Don’t expect me to go down to him.

CINESIAS

My dear, sweet, Myrrhine, why are you doing this? Come down here.

MYRRHINE

No way.

CINESIAS

Won’t you come to me when I call you. Myrrhine, Oh, Myrrhine, my love.

MYRRHINE

Don’t bother to call me when you don’t need me.

CINESIAS

Don’t need you! Look  at me!

MYRRHINE

I have to go.

(She turns to go.)

CINESIAS

No, please don’t. Think of the little one. Don’t you feel sorry for him? It’s five days since he’s been washed or fed.

MYRRHINE

Poor little guy; his papa is neglecting him.

CINESIAS

Come down, for his sake.

MYRRHINE

What’s a mother to do? I’ll have to go down.

CINESIAS (as MYRRHINE approaches)

She looks younger. Is she giving me the eye? No, she’s mad as a hornet–but it only makes me want her more.
(to Myrrhine)
Why have you let yourself be led astray by these women. You make it so hard on me

MYRRHINE (as he is about to embrace her)

Keep you hands to yourself.

CINESIAS

The house is in shambles.

MYRRHINE

So what?

CINESIAS

The cocks have gotten into your weaving.

MYRRHINE

So what?

CINESIAS

It’s so long since we’ve been together. Please come back to me?

MYRRHINE

By God I will not. Unless you cease hostilities and stop the war.

CINESIAS

If it’s ratified we’ll do it.

MYRRHINE

If so, then I’ll come back. But for now I’m bound by an oath.

CINESIAS

At least won’t you lie down with me for a little while.

MYRRHINE

No way, (she hesitates) but it isn’t that I don't love you.

CINESIAS

You love me? Then why not lie down next to me, dear,  sweet Myrrhine?

MYRRHINE (looking around)

But I wonder where...

CINESIAS

The cave of Pan looks good to me and it's convenient.

MYRRHINE

But I took an oath. I can’t break it can I?

CINESIAS

Let it fall on my head. Don’t worry any more.

MYRRHINE

Then I’ll go find us a bed.

CINESIAS

Never mind. The ground is fine with me.

MYRRHINE

No, no! I can’t let you lie on the ground even like that.

(She goes back into the Acropolis.)

CINESIAS

The woman loves me. I can see it.

MYRRHINE (coming back with a mat)

Here, lie down now. I’ll get undressed. But wait we need a --you know-- a mattress.

CINESIAS

Huh? a mattress. I don’t need it.

MYRRHINE

Yes you do. It would be tacky to lie on the bare reeds .

CINESIAS

Give us a kiss!

MYRRHINE

Wait a minute!

(She leaves him again.)

CINESIAS

(he howls in frustration) Hurry back.

MYRRHINE (coming back with a mattress)

Here’s the mattress. Lie down, and I’ll get undressed. But, wait, you don’t have a pillow.

CINESIAS

And I don't need one.

MYRRHINE

Well I do.

(She leaves him again.)

CINESIAS

I’m treated like Heracles’ fork with nothing to put it in.

MYRRHINE (coming back with a pillow)

Lift up your head. Now I have everything.

CINESIAS (misunderstanding and trying to embrace her)

Oh yes, you do! Come here, my precious.

MYRRHINE

I'll just take off my girdle. But don’t forget you promised to make Peace.

CINESIAS

Cross my heart and hope to die.

MYRRHINE

You don’t have a comforter.

CINESIAS

God help me I don’t need one. All I want is to fu...fu...fu.. SCREW.

MYRRHINE (going out again)

Not to fret. You will. I’ll be right back.

CINESIAS

That woman and her blankets will kill this!

MYRRHINE (coming back with a blanket)

Now raise yourself up.

CINESIAS (pointing)

It’s as far as it will go!

MYRRHINE

Shall I get the massage oils.

CINESIAS

No, by Apollo, don't!

MYRRHINE

I will, by Aphrodite, whether you want it or not.

(She goes out again.)

CINESIAS

God, if only she would get on with it.

MYRRHINE (coming back with a flask of perfume)

Take this and smear it on.

CINESIAS

This stuff stinks. Are you rubbing it in or putting me off.

MYRRHINE

I'm such a ditz. I brought the wrong kind.

CINESIAS

It’s fine. Let it go, dear.

MYRRHINE

Don’t be silly. (She goes.)

CINESIAS

What madman came up with these stinky oils.

MYRRHINE (coming back with a little box)

Here, take this little package.

CINESIAS

I have my own. Come to bed, you tease, and please don’t bring anything else

MYRRHINE

I’ll do it. Let me unfasten my shoes. But, sweetheart, make sure you vote for PEACE! (She runs off)

CINESIAS (gets up)

I’m a dead man but still upright. And I love her more than ever.

(A Spartan HERALD/AMBASSADOR enters; he shows signs of being in the same condition as CINESIAS.)

HERALD

Where is the Athenian Parliament and Prytanes. I have communications to report.

CINESIAS

What are you? A man or a satyr?

HERALD (with as much dignity as he can muster)

I’m a herald. I am on official Spartan business regarding the truce.

CINESIAS (pointing)

Why are you hiding a spear under your clothes?

HERALD (embarrassed)

I most certainly am not.

CINESIAS

Then what is that?

HERALD

It’s my Spartan protocols. We keep them in a leather pouch.

CINESIAS

I get it and I’ve got one too. What’s up in Sparta.

HERALD

Everything. We sure need some kootchi snorcher.  Lampito started it and now all the women of Sparta have joined the strike.

TOGETHER

Let the Peace talks begin!

THEY COME FORWARD AS THE ATHENIAN AND SPARTAN ENVOYS.  Spartan puts on his cloak.  Both are given wreaths. AN OLD MAN ENTERS

OLD MAN

Take my advice, fellows, and pull your coats around you. One of those Herm-mutilators will see you.

ATHENIAN ENVOY

Good idea.

LACONIAN ENVOY

Yes, by the Twins. I’ll put on my cloak.

ATHENIAN ENVOY

Why have you come here from Sparta?

LACONIAN ENVOY

To arrange a truce.

ATHENIAN ENVOY

Excellent. Our mission is the same. Let us call Lysistrata. She’s the only one who can arrange the terms.

Oh she must have heard our voices, here she comes.

(Lysistrata comes out of the Acropolis.)

OLD MAN

Hail to you, most manly of women! Show yourself forceful and gentle, highfalutin and humble, aloof and down-to-earth, and above all a consummate diplomat. Here are the leading men of all the Greeks, captivated by your charms, come together to lay their troubles at your feet.

LYSISTRATA

Piece of cake, as long as they stay aroused and don't go after each other. Don’t try anything. Believe me, I’ll spot it a mile away. Now, where is the goddess Truce? (The goddess is brought in by the Machine.)

Men of Sparta stand beside me, and you Athenians on the other side. Listen to me. I am a woman and an intellectual.  I feel I must reproach you, both sides. You all, as kinsmen, worship at the same altars, at Olympia, in Thermoplyae, at Delphi and many others I could list.  BUT even though there are plenty of foreigners we could pick fights with, you are killing fellow Greeks and destroying our own cities and lands. Now, men of Sparta, may I remind you that the Athenians came to your aid at the time of the great earthquake when the helots were in revolt against you and held Messene. Kimon with our troops kept Sparta intact. And now you devastate our lands. Is that gratitude? (Murmurings or gestures among the Athenian about the ingratitude of the Spartans). Wait. Do you think I’m going to let the Athenians off the hook? Don’t you remember the tyranny of Hippias? The Spartans were the only ones to help us make a regime change. They restored our democracy and liberty.

Why, when you have so much to be grateful to each other for, do you make war. Stop this nonsense. Make peace. What is stopping you?

LACONIAN ENVOY

We’d be okay with that, if they promise to give back our strategic defense installation.

LYSISTRATA

Which one would that be?

LACONIAN ENVOY

Pylos, of course, we really are dying to get our hands on it. (eying the goddess' rear)

ATHENIAN ENVOY

In the name of Poseidon, you shall not have it.

LYSISTRATA

Come on, let them have it.

ATHENIAN ENVOY

Then where will we be able to get our licks in?

LYSISTRATA

Take some other place in exchange.

ATHENIAN ENVOY (working himself up and admiring the front of the mannequin)

Good idea. We’ll take the Echinus, the inlet of Malia, and the legs of Megara.

LACONIAN ENVOY

Not all that! (eying the goddess)... still a man has needs.

TOGETHER

We’ll work it out!

LYSISTRATA

That’s what I wanted to hear. On behalf of the women I invite you inside to share our box of goodies. And there, at the banquet you will give your oaths and exchange your pledges. Then each man will take his wife and go home.

EXEUNT OMNES Sounds of revelry from inside

Man comes with sign:  later that evening... and joins the party.

Two men come out tipsy

FIRST MAN (Deus ex)

I've never enjoyed a party so much. Even the Spartans were funny. Everybody’s brilliant after a few drinks.

SECOND MAN (Magistrate)

That’s for sure. Sober we’re out of our minds. I’m going to propose a law to require all our ambassadors to be drunk at all times and in all places.

The cast returns in high spirits. With colored vests, scarves,  beads, headbands or garlands.

LYSISTRATA

Everything has turned out splendidly. Every man stand by your wife, and every woman stand by your man. And now in honor of the Gods let us dance for joy at the happy outcome and be careful not to make the same mistakes again.

The cast comes down to the audience and hands out daffodils.

THE END

Translator’s note: because of time constraints I have all but eliminated the chorus. Most scenes are translated fairly literally from the Greek text of Jeffrey Henderson (Oxford, 1987), with help from other translators and commentaries.  In some places I have combined, shortened, and deleted. I hope the liberties have not been excessive.

The PROGRAM:

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